I only ever did it twice I think, as not many people got it but I used to do a bit that went, ‘I recently bought a house. That’s not true I just wanted to say the words.’ Only me and maybe ten other people thought it was funny. One of those ten would later become Lady Wife. I wrote it because the idea of owning a home was so far fetched saying the words seemed - absurd. Therefore it had potential to be funny especially as I knew the majority of my audience were not in a position to buy a house. That’s what I told myself to numb the loser feeling real estate gave me. It turns out most of my audience did own houses and that’s why they couldn’t relate. Nothing has changed since I wrote that bit, except I’m married with a child now. FUUUCK! Don’t worry I’m actually very good at budgeting it’s just that my budget is always centred on the bones of my ass. The good news is my family love me and believe it or not, and I don’t, we went house hunting recently. I’m very much a bystander in some aspects of Lady Wife’s organised and adult life but I like to watch and take notes. So here’s a tip that I never thought I would be qualified to give:
When selling a house waft out some family smells like freshly baked bread or apple pie, or if you can, meld the two together and underscore it with a bit of Christmas. Under no circumstances should you allow prospective buyers to walk in and smell cigarettes and regret. Nothing reeks more than the scent of pending divorce. It hangs heavy in the air leaving the poor real estate agent with nowhere to go. ‘So what do you think?’ ‘I think this is what it smells like when doves cry. My inner child would only want to be here every second weekend. I walked in happy and now I want to throw a vase.’ ‘So have you been looking long?’
No this is my first time. I dared to dream and you ruined it!
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